• they/she*

30+ tired nb lazyfutch
:: socal
:: demi @ best
:: certified robot therapist
:: Not a therian, despite reposting so much furry art
:: posting is not activism

*I still don't feel like I "deserve" she/her but no better time than now to ask for it. Either is fine but please don't switch pronoun sets within the same sentence


have commented about this a couple times, think i should put links somewhere sharable
still working on a lot of this myself.

Firstly: you can shift your presentation a lot more feminine and cis people will NOT think you're trans until & unless you explicitly tell them. It's the furthest thing from their minds. Granted if you show up in a dress and full face of makeup that's probably going to break the Shield of Boringness but before that you have a lot more leeway than you think. Unfortunately holding on to the secret forever will eat you up inside so eventually you are going to have to say something. Just not immediately.

Secondly: Don't feel obligated to go "all the way" into femininity right away or even at all. You can do whatever you feel comfortable with, and stop and go back at any time if it's not working for you. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

thirdly: most of this advice is going to be US specific. i can't help that.

Shopping

Go shopping in person with friends if you can, both for feedback and to give a little bit of deniability that you're totally not buying that dress for yourself if you feel that you need that.

No one working retail really cares what you buy! they're not paid enough to, though it's hard to get over that hump of being Perceived. Once you do something enough times with no negative reaction this anxiety kind of gets better but not completely. It's still difficult for me to walk into Ulta Beauty and ask employees for lipstick shade advice (though they're usually very happy to offer! They just want to sell stuff), or take unambiguously femme stuff into a dressing room when there's an attendant. You should try everything on if you can. For pants or tops I can mix the stuff I really want in with some drab men's ones on the outside of the pile.

where to shop

Thrift stores are a great starting place for figuring out your sizes and what looks good on you, though it's sometimes a little disheartening when everything you like in the store is only Small or Extra Small. If there's a Goodwill Outlet store nearby, go with some friends and make a day of it, you will get piles of clothes literally thrown at you to look at for 2.99 a pound.
Avoid religiously-affiliated places like the Catholic Charities, St Vincent de Paul and the Salvation Army, they have transphobic policies and individual locations may or may not be ok.
Marshall's, Ross and TJ Maxx have a wide variety of brands and in my area are almost as cheap as Goodwill.

Fast fashion isn't great for the planet or workers but is a good way to acquire basics without that fear of judgement & get exposed to fashion terminology on their websites. Old Navy / Gap / Banana Republic online is good for Tall sizes (but not so much in store anymore). So are JCrew and Asos. Long Tall Sally and Anerican Tall specialize in tall women. Hot Topic & Torrid are owned by the same company now and are good for plus sizes.

Amazon has a great return policy and no one packing boxes in the warehouse can see who's buying what (and they definitely don't have time to care). Try to stick to known brands with a physical presence, and avoid the six letter keysmash names, Shein / Wish / Temu online only stores and random ads on TikTok. Often those places will be offering a dupe of some designer product with stolen photos and what you receive will be much lower quality, thin synthetic material, too small, and just generally disappointing. Always look at the size charts, they can be extremely off what you would expect. (XL in an American brand might be 5XL in Chinese sizes!) Among US brands it seems like the more expensive the brand, the smaller the sizes run. Old Navy and Walmart run really large.

Some legitimate online brands that do dresses & skirts with pockets in wild prints: Nerdy Keppie, Fresh Hot Flavors, Maya Kern, Svaha, Princess Awesome / Boy Wonder, Blackmilk, even Hot Topic.

For print button-ups try Wildfang or Gender Free World.

For higher-end pieces you can look at Nordstrom Rack in person, or Depop / ThredUp / Poshmark online for used consignments.

Sizing

Sizing and fit will vary a lot between brands and none of this stuff is designed with you in mind. A lot of it isn't designed with most cis women in mind either - designers often only make one or two reference sizes for the models and then the other patterns are mathematically scaled from that. Fast-fashion clothing will also vary in size more from style to style and piece to piece. Many layers of fabric are cut at the same time which can cause variation and the seam allowance will be different depending on who's sewing it. Don't assume that the light wash and dark wash jeans from Brand A will fit the same. They may have been made in different factories in different countries with different supply chains. Stretch fabrics help with the sizing issue but don't eliminate it.

Therefore there's really no substitute for trying clothes on in person to find out if they fit you. If you can't manage this yet, take your measurements with a cloth measuring tape and reference against the size charts until you know how items from a brand generally fit you. Choose the smallest size that's larger than your biggest measurement (which for tops will generally be your shoulders or chest, for bottoms go by waist or hips depending on where it sits). If you're not sure, you can buy multiple sizes and plan to return one, but check what the return policy is and if there's a restocking fee or return shipping costs first. With ThredUp and Poshmark you won't see the piece's full size chart and may not have full measurements so it's very easy to get things that just don't work. Don't feel too bad when this happens. Most cis women have trouble finding clothes for one reason or another because few bodies are average in every measurement. Just make sure you return items that don't fit right and don't keep things around hoping one day you will be the right shape.

Vintage sizes will generally run smaller to MUCH smaller, so don't always trust the labels when out thrifting. After a while you will be able to estimate what fits by eye, but there's no substitute for trying things on. Unfortunately Plus and Tall sizes are harder to find at thrift stores. Some stores sort roughly by sizes but my local Goodwill sorts by color for some reason. (e: they are now back to sorting by size but idk if that's everywhere)

There are three different sizing systems in use for women's / "Misses" sizes: Dress sizes (number from 0-30, Large is equivalent to a 14-16), inch / cm waist measurements (mostly for pants/jeans), and S/M/L/XL t-shirt sizing.

Even-numbered dress sizes are the normal ones for adult women, Odd numbered sizes are Juniors (sized for shorter and smaller hips/chest). Dress silhouettes that are usually flattering include A-line, skater dress and fit and flare. Avoid bodycon dresses unless you really want to show off your figure and swing dresses hang a little shapelessly from the shoulders and need a belt.

Pants sizes are based on (idealized feminine) waist measurement and then maybe with a few vanity-sized inches added. Note that this is intended to be measured at the "natural waist" which is somewhere above the navel, higher than all but the highest waist pants sit, and if you're not shaped like that then your numbered sizes will be smaller than what that measures on you. Check the size charts and measuring guides.
I get size 32-33 women's pants (and 36 or 38 men's) and my waist measures 37" at the smallest. You probably want high-waisted jeans for more flattering shaping and the waistband should land at the top of your hip bones or just below the navel. The standard women's pants inseam is 29", "Ankle" is usually 2" shorter and then "Tall" adds 2-3". "Curvy" in the description = a smaller waistband and more room in the hips.

Skirts are generally intended to sit all the way up at the natural waist so you use that measurement directly for those.

Women's T-shirt sizes generally run about 2 sizes smaller than men's (or maybe 1 size if you're used to wearing baggy things) so if you wear a M shirt try an XL to start with. If any larger than that you may only have to go up one size because plus size women are assumed to be more busty / hippy.
XL is not the same as 1X Plus. It varies whether 1X is bigger all around or only in the hips. "Tall" generally means 2 or 3" more length, depending on the cut & style this may not be enough to make it sit right if you are 6' or taller. I have a lot of trouble with sleeves on tops & jackets being too short.

If you are on HRT, your body shape will gradually change with fat redistribution in ways that make women's clothes fit better. Not just in the chest area, your hips and balance will also shift. These days I can't buy most men's jeans anymore because they're too tight in the thighs.

For shoes, women's shoe sizes are usually 2 sizes smaller than the equivalent men's but sometimes it's 1 or 1.5 sizes depending on brand. Compare the length in the size charts or EU size numbers instead. Women's shoes are also usually narrower. Doc Martens, Converse, Allbirds, Hokas, and Nike Air Jordans and Air Force Ones are all unisex and look good with dresses.

Try to avoid 100% polyester fabrics for everything but satin tops and skirts. it has no stretch, doesn't breathe, generally wears out quickly and sheds microfibers when washed.

1 or 2% elastane (Spandex) fiber makes the garment stretchable so it can compensate to fit a much wider range of body types and stretch jeans are just a lot more comfortable. Activewear is usually a blend of polyester or nylon and 2-5 % spandex. Don't wash anything with spandex on Hot, it will lose elasticity and shape. Try to separate colors follow the care tags on your clothes instead of tossing everything together into one big Laundry Thunderdome and things will last a lot longer. Bras and strappy tops should go in a mesh Delicates bag and hang them to dry instead of putting in the dryer.

I have a long torso and long arms so anything cropped simply doesn't sit right on me, YMMV if you're shorter. You might need bras with padding or hip pads to fill out other styles of clothes properly.

I am NOT the person to ask about coordinating pieces and color theory unfortunately. Popular advice is the "Rule of Thirds" where you try to break your body line between top & bottoms at roughly 1/3 from the top of your torso. You can then have one piece fitted and the other piece baggy, one piece black/neutral and the other brightly colored with prints, different complementary textures etc.

You can watch videos of other people's hauls for inspiration, browse the #clothes and #fashion tags here, Pinterest and Instagram, and there's lots of good info on Reddit and Ask Metafilter. Keep a list of things that catch your eye, maybe make mood boards.

Hair

Hair care is going to be very personalized depending on thickness, waviness, oiliness and length, so I would recommend looking at subreddits for your hair type and trying their guides. If you started with short hair and are growing it out then you're probably washing it too often. Experiment with where you part your hair, center parts or side parts or a fringe may work better for your face shape. Blowdry for more volume and because otherwise long hair takes way too long to air dry. Don't scrub at it with towels either, only wrap up or pat dry.

Hair Removal

If you want permanent hair removal it's going to be painful and take forever there's no way around it.
As someone with dark hair and lighter skin I have had good results with a home-use IPL device (Silk'n Flash & Go Express) for reducing body hair. It's not quite permanent removal but it drastically slows down regrowth for a few weeks and it's a lot less painful for me than the epilator. You can get these devices on eBay from the Amazon returns resellers for a lot less than MSRP. Shave before you use and then wait a few days after. Lighter hairs or darker skin may require professional laser hair removal or electrolysis.

For facial hair you really do need a laser not IPL to achieve permanent results, and the only real option for home use is the Tria 4X diode laser. These are also available on eBay for cheaper but be careful, most have been dropped or have bad batteries. Laser hurts a lot, more like being hit with a burning hot spoon than a rubber band, but it's worth it. Please start on the lowest setting and work up slowly though. Don't try to jump to the highest setting on facial hair and try to blast your way through everything in one go, you will burn yourself.
Lidocaine/prilocaine cream helps with the pain some, also try to have someone else help you use it as the device is heavy and easy to drop.

For daily care routines i'm going to link shel's post: https://cohost.org/shel/post/5074729-taking-care-atin

Makeup

I don't do a lot of this but the basics you should get are concealer, tinted lip balm, mascara, eyeshadow palette, orange color corrector and a felt tip eyeliner pen (easiest type of liner to learn with imo). Tinted sunscreen can work as foundation, you want some SPF. You also need makeup remover, either wipes or a cleanser and cotton pads. If you leave makeup on your face overnight you will get acne problems and stained pillowcases.

Match the concealer to the back of your hand in the store. Try to figure out if your skin has warm or cool undertones, I personally have warm undertones so a lot of concealer looks too yellow. Orange color corrector + concealer is for hiding beard shadow, then also put concealer under eyes, on sides of nose, in between eyebrows and anywhere else you have uneven color or red areas. Blend in with a large brush or one of those silicone beauty sponges.

Eye makeup is one of the most effective ways to feminize your face - especially to yourself in the mirror considering you always have to make eye contact with yourself there. Generally I avoid doing this for work where I'm still not out.

Eyebrows don't need to be tweezed to nothing but should at least clean up stray hairs underneath and on your nose bridge and trim back any really long hairs. Use a spoolie brush to pull sections up and trim what goes past the outline of your brow with nail scissors. If you have lighter hair consider getting your brows and lashes tinted for more definition.

Moisturizer and sunscreen are very important for good skin and will be even more necessary with the changes HRT brings.

Try taking selfies in various light at different angles, especially make sure they're not mirrored so you can see what other people see.

Nails

Yes you can wear nail polish and be otherwise a male presenting person, and you will in fact get a lot of positive comments on it.

I like Essie polishes, they have better coverage and last a lot longer than the dollar store LA Colors. Using base coat and top coat is very important for longevity, just color will chip off in a few days but with top coat it will last a week or more. Apply each layer without a lot of pressure on the brush, don't go too thick just enough for it to self level. May need 2-3 thin color coats especially lighter colors but that's better than blobbing it on there. Wait 5-10 minutes between coats you still want it tacky so the top coat can bond well.
Don't try to clean up any mistakes immediately, wait until it's all fully dry usually the next day then scrub your fingers in the shower and it will easily come off the skin.

Useful links:

https://www.reddit.com/r/MtF/comments/hhbtt0/big_sis_talk_1_how_the_fuck_do_i_dress_myself/
https://www.reddit.com/r/TheGirlSurvivalGuide/comments/jww5ju/how_can_i_dress_better/
https://www.reddit.com/r/transfashionadvice/
https://www.reddit.com/r/femalefashionadvice/
https://www.reddit.com/r/womensstreetwear/
https://ask.metafilter.com/clothing-beauty-fashion
https://ask.metafilter.com/366958/How-do-I-wear-dresses
https://ask.metafilter.com/310299/Feminine-of-center-look-for-pre-everything-trans-lady
https://ask.metafilter.com/299130/Introducing-feminine-touches-to-mostly-masculine-casual-work-clothes
https://ask.metafilter.com/327227/Im-a-50-year-old-man-who-would-like-to-present-more-feminine
https://youtube.com/@KathleenIllustrated
TGirl Style Guide pdf



So best I and the doctors can tell, I'm getting the adrenaline response expected for really low glucose, when I don't actually have low glucose. It's not a pheochromocytoma but might still be another kind of tumor somewhere. That's all I know for now but at least the symptoms are taken care of with the extra beta blockers.

That's the best update I can give right now. A lot is still up in the air but I will probably be just fine. See you all somewhere else. we'll meet again some sunny day.